At the start of 2020, my husband and I began a new journey.  A journey I never thought would be apart of our story. On Monday, January 6, 2020, after 13 years of marriage and 2 years of actively trying to conceive, we received the news that we dreaded to hear for so long; we'd never conceive a child naturally. This event was a lot for us to process while still trying to heal from events prior.

At the end of 2019, I joined my husband as he mourned his grandmother's death a few days shy of Christmas. Before receiving the call about her passing, we were healing from a five-year-long service in ministry that came to an abrupt end. At the start of 2020, we were hopeful as we entered through the doctor's door, which took us months to get scheduled for. However, after 3 days of testing, our doctor informed us of our status and the next steps. 

As we pursued the "next steps," we did so without the support of a local body (church), family; no support. My husband and I fell into a deep depression as our hearts slowly shattered into pieces with each passing month. My sadness turned into anger, and then anger turned into bitterness. However, as I was laying in my bed, healing from surgery in correlation to infertility, I knew I could no longer continue down this path. As I laid there, sobbing and crying out to the Lord, I turned to my YouVersion Bible app, pressed play, and listened as it read through the book of 1 Samuel. 

In hearing Hannah's prayer to the Lord in 1 Samuel 1:10-20, I instantly identified with her pain. However, as the passage continued, I was reminded of the power of prayer and God's love for us; He loves us in such an intimate way. From that day forward, I saturated myself with the things of God. I occupied my day with prayer, sermons, and reading my bible; I needed biblical truth to be louder than the sadness, depression, and bitterness I felt in the moment.

My circumstances didn't change, but my response to them did. Despite feeling angry and confused about my circumstance, God reminded me that I wasn't meant to carry the load alone, and neither are you.